My Parents Ruined My Life

child abuse‘My dad would beat me up and tie me to the bed post.’

‘My mother never let me go out with friends because she felt they were not right for me.’

‘My father never had confidence in me.’

‘My parents forced me into this marriage.’

‘Both my mom and dad knew about the abuse I was undergoing, but they didn’t want to lose face in the society. So they did nothing.’

I get clients who had a difficult childhood. Some of them grew with parents who constantly fought with each other, some of them had an over-protective single parent, some of them had very strict parents, and some of them were with parents who hardly acknowledged their presence.

In many ways each of us had trouble with our parents and hated them on more than one occasion. Most of us learn to cope and a very few actually resolve their issues with them. But for some of the clients the childhood would be so bad that they would carry the scars into their adult lives very badly.

Excuse to Ruin Your Life Further

These people blame their parents for their lives being a mess today. They carry the pain and guilt and it practically ruins their lives. Over a period of time this becomes a good excuse to shirk responsibility and avoid facing their fears. dejectionIt is the new comfort zone – ‘our shell’ so to speak.

Then from a genuine anger it turns into a defence mechanism born out of frustration. After parents they start unconsciously choosing other replacements to blame their frustrations and failures upon.

The Present Is Not the Past

It may be true that they had been through severely traumatic past. But the truth is that such clients have chosen to cling to the past. This is a point where most healing comes to a standstill. In fact this is where most of our lives come to a standstill itself. We have put our present and future on a pause interminably.

No matter how painful the past may have been, choosing to make the best of the present is the only solution. If we can understand that past may have been the time when we were helpless but present is all ours, we can find it easy to realize we are not that helpless afterall. The past never haunts us, we cling to the past for various reasons.

Process of Letting Go

past present futureOf course only way to move on is to let go. That means not only letting go of the pains of the past but, more importantly, letting go of past resentments and regrets.

I’ve often seen that resentment, regret, and guilt are the biggest blocks to healing and all progress.

And with clients who are not willing to let go or, in some cases, not even willing to acknowledge they are clinging to the past, all we do is end the therapy for good. We have no choice. The choice rests with the person who is carrying the past.

Adult Is Not A Child

Obvious isn’t. Yet we do not apply it most of the time.

Yes, parents may have been responsible for your low self-opinion in your early childhood. But you are not that child anymore. The truth is that if you are old enough to realize the mistake lies with your parents in your childhood, you are also old enough to understand the mistake now lies with you in choosing to wear the past like a jacket around you.

We all have a choice to make – we can either acknowledge that we are not as bad as we think we are (and nor is our situation) and let go of the past, or we can hang on to live in the past and continue to drive our life in a downward spiral hoping to get our parents to regret and repent their mistakes.

Parents Need To Realize or Suffer

In order to impress upon the parents their suffering, some of us go to the extreme of hurting ourselves and our lives.

A simple understanding here makes it easy to choose the healing path. The person facing the problem today is not the parents but you. The life at stake is not the parents’ but yours.

And the more we try to push our parents to realize the truth through our suffering, the more we are abusing ourselves. It actually has an opposite effect too. It only strengthens parent’s negative viewpoint about us.

Nobody Understands Me

sadnessYes, nobody can, nobody will. And for this precise reason, only we can change our lives.

Suffering is there to tell us we are going the wrong way and need to change our ways. It is not there to tell us to change the world.

Unless they are ready to let go of the past, people who blame their parents, cannot find happiness or satisfaction in life. They think they are willing to sacrifice the happiness too, but the truth is they haven’t. Their lives are caught between trying to punish themselves or their parents and trying to find happiness and peace. The two goals are mutually exclusive. It just gives rise to a traumatic existence and a miserable future.

Suggested Readings:

Quarrel With Your Spouse If You Want to Ruin Your Child’s Life

It’s Too Late

A Guitar Player Among Footballers

 

Photo Courtesy:
freedigitalphotos.net
Woman Hitting Her Son by David Castillo Dominici
Sad Woman Sitting Alone In Room by FrameAngel
Past, Present And Future Sign by artur84
Beautiful Hispanic Woman With A Very Sad Expression by Sira Anamwong

 

 

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It’s too late now!

Understand, if you are saying ‘it’s too late’ for any change, it simply means you are comfortable being miserable or are too afraid to change. Probably it’s both! Click on title to read more…

Time – our excuse to escape change! But can we escape?

“Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There’s still time to change the road you’re on
And it makes me wonder” Stairway to Heaven

I hear this often from a lot of clients:

“I can’t change my career path…it’s too late for that!”

“I can’t change! It’s too late now!”

“I can’t get married anymore, I’m too old marriage!”

“Our relationship cannot change. It’s too late!”

Then why do you even come for therapy?

If you feel it’s too late, then accept your fate and learn to like it! If not, change your fate!

When we see a beautiful image on Facebook with a quote that reads “It’s never too late to change who you are!”, we immediately click like, share it to the world, and feel smug about it. But when it comes to our own lives we always have the excuse “It’s too late!”

We all know it’s never too late. We are so comfortable in our uncomfortable and fearful existence that we do not want to come out of it. Hence the excuse ‘it’s too late’.

Remember, the day you said ‘it’s too late’ is the day you decided shirk responsibility for your issues. You just want to stay where you are because it gives you the perfect opportunity to grumble, snort, sneer, cry,  complain, and be miserable. You both like where you are and are too much of a coward to change who you are.

Every moment in life is a perfect opportunity for change and in fact, life makes sure you keep getting opportunities one after the other after the other just to help you change. But as the old saying goes, you can take a horse to the lake but you cannot make it drink, the decision to take action is yours!

I have had a client in his late 60’s who was ready to dig up and deal with childhood issues and gave up his 40 year old addiction of tobacco chewing. I have also had a 25 year old client who told me it was too late to learn to deal with his colleagues in office and walked out of my room and six months later he hung himself to death!

Choose where you want to be! Now is a perfect opportunity to change! 

Suggested Readings:

Comparing a 5th Grader with a Post Graduate?

House of Cards Effect

Social Averages

Picture Courtesy: Salvatore Vuono from freedigitalphotos.net

Purple Room in Chennai now!

Finally we are happy to announce that we are moving to Chennai. The Hyderabad branch will still function however with only Reiki Services.

Our core services and operations will be from Chennai. The new healing space is in Besant Nagar – about two minutes walk from the glorious Elliot’s Beach. We are looking forward to working there and the operations will be fully function by the end of the first week of May. It will be a healing experience for all of us!

The services in Chennai will be:

Hypnotherapy
Past Life Regression Therapy
Reiki Healing
Metaphor Therapy
Spirit Release Therapy
Tarot Card Reading
Angel Card Reading
Emotional Empowerment Therapy

We will soon announce Body Language and other workshops in Chennai too.

Yeah, updated Chennai contact numbers are put up below. You can also look up the ‘Contact Us‘ page for more.

Kiran Relangi – +91 9500117031

Geetha Pallavi – +91 9500117083

As usual the consultation is only through prior appointment. Feel free to call us for any clarifications.

Photo Courtesy: Chuck Felix @ freedigitalphotos.net

Hypnosis Myth #4: Everyone cannot be Hypnotized

A good hypnotist can successfully hypnotize any person who is of normal intelligence and is willing to be hypnotized. Fear is a major factor that prevents people from being hypnotized – so it is of utmost importance that you clear all your doubts and misconceptions about hypnosis with your hypnotist or therapist before you proceed with an actual session.

Consent of the person is a prerequisite for any successful hypnosis session.