Welcome to the Guilty New Age

We have crawled out of the Dark Ages into the New Age of reason and intuition, but we have carried our guilts and fears into the light. Can we heal them now?

For centuries, perhaps millennia, fear and guilt have been the primary tools driving our existence and ‘progress’. Civilizations and cultures have relied on these two tools to maintain ‘law and order’. Religious leaders have found them the best allies of piety. Nations and Politics need them to keep vast populations in conformity. Fear and Guilt have become the hammer and wrench of the parenting toolkit.

Today, after centuries of crawling through dark ages we are finally moving into the age of light and awareness. An age where reason and intuition become the equal partners they have always been. We are ushering in the New Earth, but the devil persists. The backbone is still the same old guilt and fear. Now there is a third partner – Anger. Our generation’s anger and guilt is a heavy stone-filled rucksack we shoulder day and night. Without them, it feels too light and that’s more guilt. How can I enjoy when the world is in suffering? We carry them because they give us a purpose in life. As if we really matter.

self-this-is-my-life-1528199
Angry and Guilty (“Stock photo. Posed by model.” ) Image Courtesy: http://www.freeimages.com

We are guilty of pleasures – no, not the old world pleasures of sex and food – we have liberated those from the gilded cage of guilt. Our generation is guilty of happiness, wealth, comfort and even peace. We are angry and guilty that we raped our earth. We are guilty that we aren’t doing yoga every day. We are guilty to sink into a sofa. We are angry that our family members use plastic. We have guilt of our privileges and wealth. We are angry at our own judgments. We live in guilt, eat in guilt, look into mirrors with anger. We are angry that we are guilty. We are guilty that we are angry all the time. We are the same old ‘morally outraged’ people as any generation before us, only the commandments are different. The New Age has become just old wine in new bottle.

And we are simply passing that on to our next generations. Fear and Guilt are again the tools out of parenting tool kits. I don’t beat my child nor use verbal abuse, but my child is so sensitive today that all it takes to give it a good beating is a look of reproach and blame. I know it makes me guilty to do that, but unless I learn to heal my guilt and anger, I cannot stop giving programmed responses to others. Does it mean that I should stop saving the earth in the meanwhile?

Well, isn’t healing ourselves the greatest contribution towards a better earth? What about plastic and violence then? Let’s look at the motivation behind the question in the first place. Why are we concerned about plastic? Is it because I love this earth all the time, or is it because I am carrying guilt all the time? Perhaps a bit of both. And violence, why do I want to put an end to it? Is it because I love humanity so much that I don’t want to see the end of it, or is it because I live in fear all the time. A bit of both.

If we try to heal just the symptoms without examining the causes, we will simply end up replacing the old symptoms with new ones. In fact, humans have just been doing it over the centuries.

Well, then how can I get rid of my guilt, anger, and fear then? Aren’t they the root causes to all of this? But what is causing them, who is experiencing them? I am not asking a ‘spiritual’ question here. I am asking a practical question. If anger, fear and guilt need to be healed, the one who is experiencing it needs to heal. But who is that ‘one’ when all anger, guilt, and fear are healed? Who is the ‘one’ who is constantly having equally opposing thoughts all the time? Who is the ‘one’ who is on a mission to ‘save’ the world? Am I? Who is the one that is apart from the world? What makes me, me without anger, guilt, and fear? Can we really look at ourselves and ask these questions seriously?

Perhaps these questions are too ‘impractical’ and ‘vague’ to be of real use to some of us. Maybe in that case, I should simply start becoming less and less morally outraged as a start towards healing this guilt and anger. Perhaps I should simply start watching myself and my feelings without too much attachment so as to see the inner movements of fear, guilt and anger before they even become external realities. Perhaps just observing will bring to light many hidden destructive pathways that I seem to take every day with practiced ease.

And what use is it if I do all of the above to save the earth and my children from suffering. That would simply create more guilt and anger every time I fail. Maybe it is time to acknowledge my own suffering as the greatest obstacle to healing and real peace. Maybe it is time to see suffering as the cause of it all. Can we choose to move away from suffering?

We Are Going On A Long Leave

Short GoodbyeThere come many opportunities in a person’s life when they can choose to follow their hearts or continue living in fears and insecurities of the mind. We (Geetha and I) have passed through quite a few and perhaps there lie a few more ahead of us. Most of the times, our choice was of the heart but once in a while we let our fears cloud us and keep us in the same of loop of suffering. We are once more at one such juncture in our lives.

This time the choice was unhesitating and simultaneous for both of us. Now, we’ve both come to a clear realization that further and truer healing cannot happen with conventional therapy but rather through a deeper introspection and awareness. And stepping into pure present moment awareness means we cannot avoid stepping into the unknown that follows it immediately. And to do that we realized we simply have to put in more faith into the life within and trust it to take care of us. And we are doing that. We are going away together to explore and experiment in deeper and truer healing. And, as usual with our lives so far, the experiment is first on us. We didn’t have to go away to let this healing happen, but the moment the realization to heal deeper came for us the universe opened doors for a perfect space to heal!

As a result, we are both taking a long sabbatical and we are closing Purple Room Healing for the public. The leave is for at least six months. The blog and all its articles will still be available for you all. We are also opening a site and another blog to share our onward (and inward) journey and to write about the practice of awareness. We will announce them here soon once we have made the physical transition to our new home and personal healing space.

Thank you all clients and friends who made this journey with us. We learnt a lot from each of you and we hope each of you had equally benefited through the help we could extend.

“The only freedom we’ve got is not to react to anything, but to turn within and know the truth.” – Robert Adams

Peer Pressure on Parents

Parental peer pressure is often a neglected and unacknowledged influence that exerts adverse effects on parents and even more so on their children. Often, the consequence of this pressure such as driving children to perform more in academics, sports, and arts is seen as a desirable trait than a deplorable reality.

Usually peer pressure is associated with children, teenagers, and in areas of academics and profession. But it is never acknowledged in other roles that adults take up, such as parenting. But if we observe closely, we notice that a significant part of parental behavior is dictated by their peers and programmed beliefs about how a parent ought to behave.

In these cases, the peers include neighbors, relatives, and friends with children. Even parents of the parents become peers. As always peer pressure, even more so in parenting, too is an unacknowledged but undeniable powerful force that influence that often leads to adverse effects than any benefits.

Peer pressure in parenting leads each parent to imitate a peer of theirs, mislead by the assumption that such behavior is idealistic and is best for the child. But unfortunately, what’s best for one child is need not be so for another.

father beating childThe pressure felt by parents is often shown on the children with adverse effects on them. Severe restrictions and impossible goals are laid upon the child, all under the guise of ensuring the child’s future when it is actually peer pressure for the parent. And any failure on the part of the child to comply with the rules and goals are met with punishment measures ranging from mild to severe. More the pressure a parent lets in from peers the more severe the restrictions or punishments for the child.

Parents begin to compare their child with other children, thus effectively creating peer pressure for the child. A child’s performance at school, sports, arts, or even casual play becomes the parent’s measure of success in parenting and thus a personal connection between the child’s so called successes and parent’s identity is established. The child becomes an object and an instrument through which a parent can establish his/her identity and success amidst peers.

In cases where the parents of parents become the peers it is often in a context of dissociation from the peer group, meaning the parents do not want to raise their children as their parents raised them. This, in view of the parents and other peers, is seen as a positive behavior. Unfortunately it is not so. This viewpoint again places the need of the parent to prove to be a better parent over the actual needs of the child. It also presupposes that since the parent’s upbringing was bad the opposite behavior is good.

peer pressure on parentsI have had cases where peer pressure has led the parents to discriminate their children on even their physical appearance. Parents scolding or even physically assault their children for their weight issues, and their sicknesses.

Abuse of the child is common, especially in countries like India. The parent specifically requesting the teachers to punish their child to make her/him perform is even sometimes seen as a desirable parenting trait than a deplorable reality.

Of course every parent wants the best for their child, but the problem lies in blindly accepting the established norms or choices of peers is the best for their child.

On the other extreme, parents who have become the model peers succumb to the pressure of maintaining that social image and, as a result, cause suffering to themselves and their children.

Peer pressure makes it easy for a parent to fall prey to manipulation by others. For instance it is easy to lead such parents to believe certain lifestyles, products, and services are better for their child’s welfare. The best example in this context is micro-chipping of school uniforms – a proposal, and a reality in some schools, in countries like the US, Brazil, and the UK. A local example would be the marketing of certain food products for children which promise a ready performance improvement in the child’s performance when their products are consumed.

Peer pressure in parenting can only be changed when its presence is first acknowledged by the parent and then realizing that it only exerts an adverse influence on the parent and the child. Peer pressure is not about pressure from outside. It always occurs when adults compare themselves to their peers due to some existing feeling of lack within or out of fear of failure.

In a significant amount of cases where parents bring their children to hypnotherapy, the child’s problem is born out of parental pressure. I have also had cases where the child has absolutely no issues, but the parent is coercing the child into behaving the way the parent wants. In these cases, the parents are not even willing to listen to the fact the problem lies with them rather than with their children.

Suggested Readings:
Emotional Drama: Our Addiction to Issues
A Guitar Player Among Footballers

Photo Courtesy: David Castillo Dominici at freedigitalphotos.net

Cord Cutting – Introduction, Benefits and Detailed Procedure for Self Healing

A brief about Energetic Cords.

Cord Cutting can help improve relationships
Cord Cutting can help improve relationships

When people are in any kind of a relationship they start bonding to each other through energetic cords. Think of them as tubes of various sorts connecting one another. There are basically two kinds of cords. Soul level cords – these are cords of love and they cannot be cut. These are soul level connections which share just love between each other. They do not harm the person. The second kind of cords are personality or karmic cords – these are cords that can exert unnecessary influence on each other. They are formed willingly albeit subconsciously. They are formed out of repeated behaviour by the people in relationship or through one major emotional event. For instance, a mother who routinely blames a son for not being good to her and the son allowing those accusations to feed his guilt, forms a cord and the mother could (consciously or unconsciously) use it to manipulate her son. They are also called Karmic cords because they can indicate karmic debts coming from the past.

Each person can have any number of such cords in one relationship itself. Even with the relationship continuing, it is essential to cut these cords because they will make the relationship healthier. It is all the more important that cord cutting is done when the relationship ends.

Benefits of Cord Cutting

  • Cord cutting improves any relationship. It clears up unhealthy habits between people and helps them form healthier habits in the relationship.
  • Cord cutting can be done to improve any relationship – parent child, life partners, lovers, past relationships, ex boyfriend girlfriends, friends, sibling, boss subordinate, colleagues, classmates, teacher student, and any other relationships.
  • It heals you tremendously. You find a huge relief from the emotions you’ve been carrying because of the relationship.
  • You release a lot of pent up negative emotions that you have been suppressing and carrying around for sometime. Some times, it also releases emotions held up over years.

    Fears and Blocks created by past breakups may be cleared with cord cutting.
    Fears and Blocks created by past breakups may be cleared with cord cutting.
  • It clears blocks in relationship issue, especially in your love life. When single people go through many relationship issues in the past they form unconscious blocks and fears about life partners in their life and they start acting out of these fears from the past. This tends to ruin any good future relationship they can potentially form.
  • It helps you identify hidden motivations in relationships both within self and in others.
  • Cord cutting gives you the ‘breathing space’ you need. Your behaviour is no longer automatic or compulsive. You will find that you can now change your behaviour easily.

Procedure for Cord Cutting:

It takes about 20-30 min sometimes, so make sure nobody disturbs you for so long. Don’t do this after dark.

Step1 – Relaxation and Creating inner awareness.

  • Sit or lie down in some quiet place. Focus on your natural breathing.
  • Now slowly start deep breathing with your focus on your lower lungs and abdomen. Take ten deep breaths.
  • Follow that by 15 short rapid breaths. These breaths are quick, shallow, and without pause.
  • Observe the breathing come back to normal breathing.

Step 2 – Activating subconscious and Shielding

  • Now visualize yourself in a serene, beautiful garden. Make sure the garden has a water body in it like a lake, fountain, stream, beach, or a waterfall.

    Visualize the garden or landscape as vividly as you can!
    Visualize the garden or landscape as vividly as you can!
  • Take time to create the garden completely in your visualization. See the blue sky, trees, birds, flowers, fruits, grass – just take time to ‘feel’ the place.
  • Now imagine sitting in a calm space in the garden.
  • Imagine a bright beautiful golden yellow or white light in the sky directly above you coming down, and touching the top of your head.
  • Let the light enter your body through the top of your head and fill your entire body till the tip of your toes with this bright, beautiful, vibrant, tingling light.
  • See the light expanding into a bubble of protection all around you including under you.

Step 3 – Locating the ‘Feeling Centers’

  • Now call the person you want to cut cords with into the garden. See the person clearly coming into the garden and standing before you.enery release
  • Notice your first feelings about her/him – all of them – both negative as well as positive.
  • Now observe where each of these feelings is beginning in your body. (Ask yourself ‘If this feeling was stored in my body physically, where would it be?’)
  • You will find that each feeling has a place in your body (like, for instance, hurt stored in your heart center, etc)
  • Give each feeling a color and a shape – whatever you feel like. (you can ask ‘If this feeling had a color and a shape what would it be like?’)
  • For instance, you may see hurt as dirty green ball in your heart center, you may see anger as a red monster attached to you at solar plexus, or you may notice helplessness as blobs of  yellow on your hand – these are just examples. You can give any color and shape you feel like. Sometimes the moment you trace the feeling to place in the body you may instantly perceive it as some object or being.

Step 4 – Scanning and Locating Cords

  • Now visualize the other person also also in a beam of their own light from the sky and with their own bubble of protection.
  • Start ‘scanning’ the person from top of his/her head. Your intention is to look for personality or karmic cords of energies that connect both of you.
  • You may ‘see’ or ‘feel’ these cords.

    Scan for all cords extending between you both.
    Scan for all cords extending between you both.
  • When you see the first cord, make a note of where on his/her body is the cord beginning, follow that cord to see where in your body the cord is penetrating.
  • Now take time to notice the details of the cord – its thickness, what does it look like, is it brittle or flexible, all the details that strike you.
  • Now see if the energy flow in the cord is one way or both ways – that is, is this cord feeding energy from one person to another only, or is this cord used by both to cross feed each other.
  • You may remember some past events when you are doing this, you may find certain emotions coming up sometimes. If that happens, just make a note of it.
  • Continue scanning.
  • Locate all cords between you and the other person.
  • You may notice many cords are end or begin at ‘feeling centers’ that you located earlier.

Step 5 – Cutting Cords

  • Once you have located all cords between you and the other person, you proceed with energy negotiation and cord cutting.
  • Move to the first cord you found.

    Some relationship cords could be restricting our behavior.
    Some relationship cords could be restricting our behavior.
  • If the energy is coming from her/him to you, ask yourself if you still feel a need to accept that energy or emotion from her/him. Only when your answer is a firm no can you really cut the cord. Otherwise, it means you are not yet ready to cut the cords. Even if you attempt it, in such a case, the cord will reconnect itself back.
  • When the answer is a firm no, you should see the flow of energy coming from her/him through the cord stopping immediately.
  • Now tell her/him that she/he needs to stop sending that energy to you. Tell her/him that your karma to accept those energies is complete and any energy she/he continues to send, if it bounces back to her/him, then it is of no karmic consequence to you since you have no intention of affecting her/him. It is her/him own doing.
  • If the energy is going outwards from you, ask yourself what emotion or influence from you is feeding that person. You will instantly get an answer. You may again remember an event of the past or a particular emotion coming up strongly within.
  • Ask yourself, if you are ready to let go of the need to influence the other person with these energies of yours. The answer should be no again. If the answer is yes or if you feel hesitant, look back at the suffering you are undergoing for still being connected to her/him. This can convince you to let go.
  • Once again, when you answer with a firm no, you will see the energy flow from you to the other person stopping instantly.
  • If the energy flow is two way, then you will naturally do all the above steps.
  • Only when you see the energy flow stopping, will you proceed to cut the cords.
  • There are a few ways to cut the cords. You should choose whichever feels right for each cord. I am listing couple of methods here. You may intuitively feel other creative ways to remove the cord connection.

Method 1:

  • You can request a sword or shears (large garden scissors!) made of light to cut the cords. You will find the requested tool coming to you from the light above.
  • Use it to cut the cord as close to your body as possible.
  • Now request for a ball of light and you will find a small ball (about the size of an apple) coming from the light above.
  • Rub that ball at the place on your body where you have cut the cord.
  • Notice this light sealing off the ‘hole’ left behind on your body after cutting the cord.
  • Proceed to do the same steps with the other person in cutting the same cord. So you will cut that cord from the other end by the same procedure above.
  • Yes, you need to cut the cord from the other person’s end too no matter how much you dislike the other person. You do this because the cord that is cut needs to be destroyed.
  • If the other person feels the need for the same cord, they will form another with somebody else but not you.
  • This also helps you get rid of cords of resentment easily. For anger and resentment are also means of attachments.
  • Cleanse and seal their body with the ball of light.
  • Destroy the cord by burning it. See the smoke and ashes pulled up into the sky through a third beam of light. This is not the beams of light that is on your or on her.
  • Proceed to cut all the remaining cords similarly.

Method 2:

  • Here you uproot the cord out of the body instead of cutting it. That’s the only difference.
  • This is done if you feel any particular cord has ‘grown into you’ and has roots within.
  • Hold the cord with both the hands as close to the body as you can.
  • Visualize white light forming around the roots of the cords within so they help to ‘slide the roots out’.
  • Pull the cord out of the body slowly.
  • Notice the roots sliding out gently. Pull until the cord is uprooted completely.
  • If any roots are broken and left within the body, request the light above you to dissolve the root completely and flush it out of your either into the ground below or by sucking it up into the light.
  • Follow the cleansing and sealing with the ball of light as described in Method 1 above.
  • Do the same for the other person.
  • Destroy the cord by burning it. See the smoke and ashes pulled up into the sky through a third beam of light. This is not the beams of light that is on your or on her.
  • Proceed to cut all the remaining cords similarly.

Step 6 – Finding Hidden Cords

  • When people send psychic energies out of, conscious or unconscious, malevolent intent or a desperate need to cling, such cords may not show up in the regular scan.

    Visualize a special violet light coming down upon you from the sky.
    Visualize a special violet light coming down upon you from the sky.
  • Just to make sure there are no such hidden cords, visualize a beam of violet light falling in between you and other person you want to cut cords with.
  • Visualize this light expanding outwards towards you on one side, and him/her on the other until finally you both are under this huge beam of violet light.
  • Any hidden cords will instantly show up in this violet light.
  • Go ahead and follow the usual procedure to identify, describe, stop the energy flows, and cut these cords too.

Step 7 – Healing ‘Feeling Centers’ and Leftover Energies

  • This is an important step. You will be healing the ‘Feeling Centers’ that you located earlier as well as any energy you may have already absorbed through the cords into you before they were cut. As I said, many cords would enter your body at the ‘feeling centers’.

    You may see the energy dissolving into smoke and being sucked up into the light.
    You may see the energy dissolving into smoke and being sucked up into the light.
  • After you cut the cords, go back to the place where the first cord was and ask yourself if any energies that you may have absorbed (through the cord before it was cut) is still within you.
  • If there are any left, give those energies a colour and shape just like you did for the ‘feeling centers’ earlier. You are creating a visual form for the energies. Sometimes you may intuitively feel the form readily.
  • Ask the light above to dissolve this energy and cleanse it out of you.
  • You may notice the light dissolving the energy into smoke and sucking it up into the sky.
  • Continue healing all the leftover energies for all the cords you cut.
  • Now go to the remaining ‘feeling centers’ and do the same.
  • If you find it difficult to heal any remaining ‘feeling centers’, then it means you still want to hold on to that emotion you feel there. Try to see various viewpoints as to why it is good for you to let go of that emotion. Only when your intention to let go is firm, can you fully heal.

Step 7 – Final Shielding

  • Ask the other person you cut cords with to go away and live his/her life peacefully. See him/her leave the garden.
  • Connect fully with the light above. See it flowing into you through the top of your head. Absorb the light fully into your every pore and aspect of being.

    Visualize a white light from above entering you through the top of your head.
    Visualize a white light from above entering you through the top of your head.
  • Request the light to do a final clean up to remove all leftover fragments and pieces of energies which may have been overlooked or left behind.
  • Request the light to ‘fill up’ all the empty spaces where the ‘feeling center’ energies or leftover energies had been.
  • Feel the energy of the light filling your whole being. You may get a tingling sensation while this happens.
  • Now visualize this light expanding around you again into a ball of powerful shielding. It should expand at least three feet away from you in all directions including under you.
  • Spend about a minute of awareness on this beautiful and peaceful ball of light.
  • Take a deep breath. Open your eyes.

Exercise to follow post Cord Cutting

  • Do this exercise the next 21 days after the cord cutting is done.
  • Visualizing a ball of light around you at least three times a day. Those visualizations need not be as strong as they were when you did the cord cutting meditation. But nevertheless, just do it. This will strengthen your aura and increase your protection.

Important Notes:

  • Sometimes we notice people you cut cords with suddenly try to contact you within 48 hours of cord cutting. Even people who you have had lost touch with too. If such a thing happens in the next 48 hours after cord cutting, keep away from showing any sympathy or empathy towards the person or his/her plight. It is sometimes seen that the person you cut cords with will feel a ‘pull’ to connect back those cords and they try that, unconsciously of course, through appealing to the emotions of the person who cut the cords.
  • Forming new cords is as easy as cutting cords. Cord cutting clears up negative energy within. But it is now up to you to replace that space with positive thoughts, and behaviour patterns. Otherwise cords reform easily.
  • What it means is that after cord cutting, your behaviour in that relationship is no longer programmed, or out of control, or habitual. You have control over your responses and you must choose a positive response now to replace the old one.
  • Examine your needs which made gave you the fears and unhealthy behaviour in the first place. Every relationship is based out of a need to fulfil some internal lack. That lack is always related to self-image. Ask yourself what impulses or lacks motivated you to seek such unhealthy relationship or behaviour in the past. Start working that lack instead of seeking to fulfil from outside.

We hope this article will come in useful on your self-healing journey. You can always find this article from our archives by clicking on the ‘Self Help’ tag or category.

Thanks

Purple Room Healing

Suggested Readings:

How much time do you spend for your mental health?

Eternal Human Conflict: What should be and what is?

House Cleansing: Balancing the energies of your space

Photo Courtesy by Freedigitalphotos.net

“Sister And Brother Friendship” by artur84
“Couple In Love Having Break Up” by smarnad
“Deep Forest Waterfall” by pat138241
“Hand” by Salvatore Vuono
“Tug Of War Between Two Girls” by meepoohfoto
“Tied Hand” by Danilo Rizzuti
“Violet” by zirconicusso
“Abstract Smoke” by Worakit Sirijinda
“Stars Are Falling On The Background Of Blue Luminous Rays” by SOMMAI

What Should Be and What Is – The Eternal Human Conflict

Every problem that we face no matter how big or small it is arises out of the conflict between our ‘What Should Be’ and what is.

  • When we are on the track of ‘What Is’ and focus on the tracks ‘What Should Be’ …accidents happen.

    I should have my keys! I lost my keys!

  • My car shouldn’t have a flat tire! It does!
  • I should be getting more income! I am getting less!
  • My neighbor should mind his own business! He doesn’t!
  • My wife should do all the household chores! She isn’t!
  • My husband should support me financially! He isn’t!
  • My spouse should understand me! The spouse doesn’t!
  • My son should get better marks! He isn’t!
  • My daughter should dress properly! She doesn’t!
  • My parents should give me more freedom! They aren’t!
  • I should be healthy! I am diseased!
  • She should have been alive! She’s dead!

All the clients that ever came to me, all the problems I ever sought to resolve in my life – everything came down to a conflict between ‘What Should Be’ and what is.

No matter what help we resort to for our troubles, be it Allopathy, Ayurveda, Reiki, Hypnotherapy, Self-Help books, Psychological Counselors, a well-wisher’s advice, Angel Therapy, Cognitive Therapy, Critical Analysis, Astrology, Chakra Healing, Divination, it is always because we cannot accept what is and we have a ‘What Should Be’ in our head.

But have we ever once stopped to question our very ‘What Should Be’ beliefs?

Have we ever once thought why can we not simply accept what is?

We are so caught up in the denying, resisting, fighting with, attempting to change the ‘what is’ that we never for once sat back and asked ourselves why should anything be any other way that it is! We never questioned the standards! We never thought why can’t we simply accept what is!

Which standard says that human being should be healthy always? Is that a biological law? If it is, why, then, aren’t we always healthy? Why then must we die?

Who said that relationships must be the way we expect them to be? Is it a natural law of the universe? Don’t you realize that your relationship is lousy just because you are trying to make the other person confirm to your expectations of that role?

When you look deeper into the problem, we find that all the ‘What Should Be’ beliefs are all acquired standards. We picked them up in the process of growing up and learning to cope with this world. They are all mere beliefs. Yet they become our moral and social commandments of life. We seek to fulfill them at the cost of sacrificing who we are.

Some may say it is a conflict between ‘What I Want’ and what is. I’ve noticed ‘What I Want’ is either defined by ‘What Should Be’ or it becomes that.

The roots go deeper still until they touch our very egos. But we never want to go that deep. We just want to be on the surface and depend on our ‘What Should Be’s to define our happiness.

The truth is there is greater freedom in learning to accept what is. That does not mean we cannot or must not change what is. But in learning to accept, we lose our ‘What Should Be’ and then what needs to be actually done for the situation will become clear. It might be changing the situation or it might be simply being in the acceptance. In some cases if we accept the situation, the situation changes without any apparent effort on our part (except for the acceptance, of course).

Isn’t accepting everything that comes a loser’s way?

Where did you get your definition of losing and success from? Merely another ‘What Should Be’ standard!

And if we accept a situation just because the situation will change by acceptance, then we are still hanging on to a ‘What Should Be’.

Next time you have an issue just, for once, try accepting the reality of what is.

What do I mean by acceptance? Just be! Stop resisting. Just be. And see what happens!

Remember, when you are accepting, you must really let go of your ‘What Should Be’ for that particular situation. Otherwise, you are merely pretending to accept. You still haven’t come down into the reality.

Further Reading:

Emotional Drama

It’s Too Late Now

2012: The year of Freewill and Choice

Photo Courtesy: freedigitalphotos

Emotional Drama: Our Addiction to Issues

The subconscious has a penchant for emotional drama. It likes to repeat the daily dramas it has because it the only known way for the subconscious to cope with issues. However, such a repetition can quickly become an addiction and instead of seeking to resolve emotional issues, the subconscious manipulates situations to repeat the emotional dramas. Such emotional dramas are a severe threat to your relationships, personal development, general well-being, peace of mind, and material progress.

Just like us, our subconscious too has a penchant for emotional drama. It prefers to involve itself in the drama of everyday life, or at times, it seeks to create drama out of everyday life! Drama excites us and keeps us alive but at the same time it has the potential to turn into a noose around the neck that holds us from resolving our issues in life and successfully moving ahead.

When we get used to experiencing certain emotions in certain ways we like to repeat that whole emotional graph – of the emotional involvement, the peaking of emotion and the subsequent decline of it. For instance, when a housewife approaches her husband about asking him to let her go to her parents’ place (not considering the fact that she can actually inform and discuss instead of seeking permission) and the husband refuses, the wife goes through an emotional experience of feeling frustration, then helplessness, intermittent sobbing, grousing, finally fighting with the husband and then gaining permission. Now as this cycle repeats itself, the subconscious becomes not only habituated to this emotional graph but also comes to prefer it. The entire emotional experience has become that woman’s comfort zone.

So next time the wife makes a similar request of the husband, the subconscious not only expects the refusal but also wants it badly so it can go through the whole emotional drama again. We are not aware of this at a conscious level. Instead of trying to find a simpler and happier solution for the problem, she is geared to fight, cry, grouse, and pull her hair. And the subconscious has the ability to make true any belief put into it. So everything from the tone of voice to the facial expressions and the timing of her approach is aimed towards inviting conflict instead of resolution.

To give another example, a teenage son can become so used to quarrelling with his father, breaking household items, running out of the house, drinking, and complaining to a sympathetic friend, that he will always approach the problem with the intent of going through the entire graph. Likewise, a father used to beating his head and chest over his children’s misdemeanours and shouting at the wife for bad parenting, always invites such situations into his life. He seeks to vent out his frustrations through these emotional exertions. A girl letting her frustrations take over every time she nears her periods, a disgruntled employee complaining over the unfair load of work allotted to him – let’s face it, we love the emotional drama! Don’t we all love to get drowned in the sadness of Kishore Kumar’s melancholic songs?

Even the stoic suffering of a chronic patient, sacrificial demeanour of an overburdened head of family, silent sobs of a lonely dumped girl, need for mental stimulation for intellectuals, philosophies of loners, impulsive violent outbursts, patriotic fervours all have the dangerous potential to turn into loops of emotional drama.

Why does our subconscious love this drama? To put in simple terms; for the subconscious mind the known is pleasurable and the unknown is painful. When we get used to these emotional dramas it becomes the known way of dealing with crisis. So the subconscious prefers to repeat this than to expend resources on being creative and more constructive. A new approach is unknown and hence fearful.

The more we seek the drama, the deeper we go down the rabbit hole. And this rabbit hole is neither metaphorically therapeutic nor liberating in any sense. The hole is an abyss of self pity or self hatred – a dangerous path of escapism and destruction. The deeper we go, stronger the impulse to ‘play’ the drama.

If our conscious need to get out of crisis is real, then we need to identify dramas of our lives and resist successfully the emotional temptation and the nervous impulse to ‘act out’. Then seek better and harmonious solutions to our problems.

Remember, contrary to conventional thought, it is never too late. You just need to be desperate enough for change and you can extricate yourself out of any rabbit holes and spider webs of life! Get desperate now!

Photo Courtesy: Freedigitalphotos

Suggested Reading:

Mind Drama

It’s Too Late Now

Frustration: Shortcut to Failure

Fighting Parents and Nervous Children

Social Aver‘ages’ – Part 2

Once we realize Social Aver‘ages’ are just averages not benchmarks it is easy for us to get rid of our subconscious beliefs with some consistent effort.

 

Family Averages

If you haven’t read Part 1, read it here.

It is practically impossible for any single human to meet all Social Aver‘ages’. It is like striving to be a Common Man. None of us liked to be called a common man yet we all strive to meet average expectations of the society.

Some people may achieve professional success according to expectations but cannot meet that in family life. Some people have tremendous success in family but fail at personal aver’ages’. Each of us is unique.

Another important aspect to be aware of is that a social aver‘age’ is not a biological aver‘age’.  Socially the aver‘age’ of pairing and reproduction varies from culture to culture. However, a person is biologically ready to reproduce when he/she attains puberty which is roughly around ages 10 to 13. You must be worried if you do not attain puberty even by 18, not if you can’t get married by 30.

So the first step to getting rid of Social Aver‘ages’ from your subconscious is to understand Social Aver‘ages’ are all just averages not benchmarks. There is no harm in sticking to them but if we fail to achieve them it is okay too.

It is also important to understand that as long as we place emphasis on what our friends, relatives and neighbours talk about us, we cannot really shake Social Aver‘ages’ out of our heads. And as I said in the earlier post, more than others it is the critic within who needs to be silenced. It means we also need stop judging others based on Social Aver‘ages’.

Effort is the next logical step. Whenever you find you are comparing or criticising yourself or others on basis of the Social Aver‘ages’, stop and review your opinions. This can happen only if you are committed to change.

A Social Aver‘age’ is a deep rooted belief – at foundation level. So it will keep popping up consistently and your efforts need to be that consistent too. You keep doing this with persistence, you will soon find that your issues based on Social Aver‘ages’ coming down and you are able to live life with much more personal freedom.

Just keep the awareness going in your head and you are bound to change your core beliefs! Expect setbacks because they could happen. Read my blog on House of Cards Effect to know facts about how, because of a false assumption, we easily give up on resolving our problems.

Lastly, if you are a parent please stop pressurising your children on the basis of Social Aver‘ages’. We therapists get too many disappointed parents and discouraged youngsters.

Photo Courtesy: photostock @ freedigitalphotos.net

Quarrel with your spouse if you want to ruin your kid’s life!

Weird as it may seem, this is exactly what you will be doing by constantly carrying on quarrels and fights with your spouse at your home. Your children, no matter what their ages, tend to develop a sense of low self-esteem (at times self-hatred), nervousness, constant anxiety and stress. They can also end up in bad marriages themselves much later.

You may be quarrelling for many reasons. You may always be right every time you fight with your spouse (although I highly doubt it). But if you care for your children, the quarrelling’s got to stop.

For children home is a place where love and care is nourished. It is also a sacred refuge for children. They come running home if they get hurt, if they are scolded in school, if they are teased during play and if they feel lonely among friends. But constant quarrelling at that very home creates a tensed atmosphere and it makes the children highly anxious. Because they do not know when they would hear angry voices and shouts next, they are always on edge. What children learn very early at home, they translate it to the world outside home. They grow to be anxious and nervous whenever voices grow loud in any place. They become nervous around any sort of arguments between any strangers too.

Secondly, many children end up blaming themselves for the quarrels of their parents. They assume they are somehow responsible for the tensions at home and consequently develop low self-esteem or at times it goes to the point of self-hatred.

Their low self-esteem is further strengthened by the constant grumbling and muttering of one parent. It is common that in most quarrelling partners, one usually ends up nagging and grouching with a sour-faced expression long after the quarrel is over. This parent also snaps back at children venting his/her anger at the kids. The kids are at a loss to cope with this situation and they blame themselves over and over.

In some cases, the parents also end up dragging the children into the arguments. Each demands the child to support him/her and tends to speak about the defects of the other parent. The child is caught in between. Though in such cases the child never asked to give a verdict nor is admonished for being silent, the child nevertheless suffers lot of pain and anxiety because of being a witness to the dispute and having to hear the angry and ugly tone of voices up close.

And never assume you can fight after the child has gone to sleep, even if the child is sleeping in another room. A child instantly wakes the moment first word of the argument breaks out. Commonly you can also see the child pulls the blanket over itself and notice properly you will also make out the outline of the child pressing hands over his/her ears tightly. They are just wishing they were elsewhere in the world but there.

The anxiety, alienation, low self-esteem (or self hatred), and nervousness your nasty fights create in your child lasts for many years – in many cases into adulthood. Another long term consequence is that many of these children, when they grow up, unconsciously find themselves in similar marriages. There is a reason why this happens.

Though the children hate to hear the quarrel while it is happening, their subconscious is quietly absorbing the ways with which disagreements in a marriage are dealt with. It is learning how to survive if it gets caught in a similar circumstance in future. Now for subconscious what is known is pleasurable and what is unknown is painful. By living amidst quarrelling parents it now knows how to behave during disagreement. But it hasn’t learned how to live harmoniously. When the child grows up and marries, he/she starts unconsciously behaving the same way his/her parent did during a problem – even though he/she may not want to do that consciously.

So the next time you are getting into a bitter altercation with your spouse think what is at stake for you as well as for your children.

Photo Courtesy: Photostock at freedigitalphotos.net